It’s true! Stephen Harper is 56 years old! And yet, when you look at him, his skin convincingly projects him to be a virile, energetic man who cannot possibly be beyond his mid-30s. How does someone who has spent over a half century on this planet manage to have no expression, no wrinkles, and no personality? If the grey matte of unmoving hair didn’t betray his age, you’d never have guessed that his best years have passed and that Metamucil and Days of Our Lives are part of his daily routine.
What is his secret though? Well, thanks to yours truly, a panel of scientists and the cast of TMZ, the secret has been unveiled! Steve, (can I call you Steve? Thanks.) your secret is now out.
First, we started by looking to find someone else who has experienced a similar degree of agelessness. Behold, the closest match that we could find to Stephen Harper’s overall complexion, and demeanor:
This is René Auberjonois, a Hollywood actor notable for his role as Odo in Deep Space Nine. In this series, Rene played as a Changeling, a form of alien shapeshifter who was capable of assuming the form of any species who he had previously encountered. Naturally, he seemed like the first person who should be interviewed about how he managed to keep an expression-free complexion throughout his acting career in DS9. Thankfully, Rene was more than accommodating in granting us an interview.
During this interview, we asked how he had managed to maintain such a smooth, wrinkle-free complexion despite the obvious stress of being a TV actor in one of the biggest franchises in modern history. His response was that in many cases, it is a combination of the best makeup crews in the world, a strict diet, and a variety of supplements. When probed for more details, he admitted that the supplements that he was required to take were composed of a proprietary concoction of ingredients that he was not permitted to disclose. The interview thus ended, because nobody actually cared about Odo or the actor who played him.
We all know that makeup can do incredible things to hide unsightly wrinkles. But there is more to the story.
There are only a few things in the world that can literally stop aging. One being the Fountain of Youth, which we all know isn’t real, and if it is, it’s probably in one of those countries where people think that blowing themselves up is going to get them their 72 virgins. Tangent: Anyone who has had one virgin should know that that religion is fabricated. Why the fuck would I want 72 women who have no idea what the hell they are doing in bed? That, and the only virgins nowadays are middle school kids, and I am being lenient in my judgement here. I’m not Jared from Subway; you can keep your children until they are old enough to lose the training wheels.
So, the Fountain of Youth is out of the equation, and we’ve established that makeup isn’t solely to be credited for Steve’s inability to age in the media. Sadly, our conventional research only brought us to dead ends. We had to dig deeper.
Thanks to a little extracurricular research, I was able to attain the Meals on Wheels ordering history for 24 Sussex Drive. Most of the items ordered were pretty innocuous for someone eating on taxpayer dime: fois gras-fed steak, organic caviar, an inordinate amount of zucchini along with an equally unusual amount of vegetable oil… you know, the kind of stuff you’d expect from Steve. But, a couple of things stood out. First was a supplement that was only referred to as #FF0000-LiveCaught and #FF0000-Saline. To quote Quagmire.. “Dear Diary… Jackpot.”
What both of my regular readers may not know is that I have a reasonably well rounded knowledge in computer related matters. Therefore, when I saw a hashtag preceding something other than whatever inanity is trending on Twitter this hour, it piqued my interest. I set out to determine what FF0000 could mean. Fortunately, due to my extensive experience with MS Paint and having looked at a couple of raw HTML files, I quickly discovered that it was a hex colour code for pure red. Why was Steve ordering pure red “LiveCaught” and “Saline” products from Meals on Wheels? I had a hunch, but I had to dig deeper.
What was discovered was positively beyond belief. The Ottawa area has been dealing with an epidemic of infant abductions over the last decade. We’re talking “stolen from the infirmary ward” type of stuff here. That’s too young, even for Jared. Since 2004, There had been 149 infant abductions from Ottawa regional hospitals, 17 of them in 2004 alone. To put this into perspective, there had only been 3 in total in the previous 7 years. How does it happen where baby abductions spike to almost a monthly occurrence when it was a biennual situation before? By putting on my best sciencing hat and consulting with ancestry.com, I found that all but 5 of the abductions happened to parents who were both of the red haired variety (“gingers” in layman’s speak). Why was someone stealing all of the redheaded children? It was time to do a little more homework.
Steve took control of the Conservative party after quickly climbing the ranks by virtue of his boyish charm and being able to speak from both sides of his mouth simultaneously. He was awarded control of the Conservative party in March 2004, approximately three months before the infant abductions started in the Ottawa area.
Now, we have FF0000-gate (because adding a -gate to the end is cool), and we have a baby ginger that is going missing on a monthly basis over the last 12 years. All we needed was the proverbial jury.
Fortunately, thanks to some excessively weak passwords (“That’s the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage”) I was able to attain some parlance between Stevie-H and Meals on Wheels regarding an order dispute. Within these emails, there is contention that Stevie-H did not receive a proper order of #FF0000 as requested, (“there is a bitter aftertaste” is a direct quote). It was followed up with “Nobody wants ginger kids to grow up anyways.. I am practically doing Canada a favour. The clean taste and perfect marbling are just bonuses.”
MoW apologized profusely and pleaded to not lose their tax exemption status. MoW assured that Stevie would only be delivered fresh and absolutely pure FF0000 from that day forward. Email correspondence ended with this exchange.
My expert analysis based on all of the data presented to me is as follows:
Steve’s diet requires a monthly baby. Specifically, a redheaded baby. By eating babies, he maintains his youthful complexion. However, it hasn’t been without fault, because when Meals on Wheels has accidentally delivered a non-pure sample, there were complaints. This can be attributed to the deduction that eating a soul leaves an unpleasant aftertaste. Therefore, Steve has insisted that while his diet must include at least one infant per month, it must be soulless. Therefore, gingers were the obvious recommendation by Meals on Wheels. By only eating babies that have no souls, he is able to absolve himself of any guilt or responsibility, and also avoids the lingering aftertaste while deriving all of the dietary benefits that an infant provides.
Hence, the #FF0000 was nothing more than a code for an infant red haired baby. As specified in the order, “live caught” explains the hospital abductions. But what of the “Saline”? I imagine that it’s linked to the “Live Caught” requirement. Tears are a salt solution… and an infant that isn’t alive can’t cry. After all, a proper authoritarian needs proper nourishment to continue to strip away the rights of his citizenry, and needs an appropriate beverage to whet his mouth after a satisfying meal and to prep him for an evening browsing Ashley Madison. Steve, get off of that website. You have a wonderful, beautiful wife, who despite her intelligence, still wants to be with you. Don’t take it for granted.
So there you have it: The secret to Steve’s agelessness is nothing more than monthly requirement to consume the youth (but not the soul), of an infant. Redheaded children are specifically targeted by Steve because of their perceived lack of soul, allowing him to not feel guilt or shame. Furthermore, he requires them live so that their tears may be harvested and also consumed. Of course.. there is one other possibility that I haven’t examined..
The other possibility is that he’s a vampire. The above research would still be relevant, with only Steve’s perceived concerns with soul consumption being in err. It would be analogous to me saying “I need to eat beef on a regular basis, and I would prefer to eat only Kobe beef.” Steve has simply decided, undoubtedly through trial and error, that this type of other-white-meat is his favourite.
He does already have the proper skintone to fit the bill. Check out this luminescence and again, that matte of unmoving hair.
In conclusion, I think that our research has determined how Stephen Harper has achieved his near-agelessness. Whether he is a vampire or simply consumes for health reasons is currently unknown. What is known is that his amorphous face is maintained by a healthy amount of makeup applied by the best makeup artists that our tax dollars can buy, and that a diet that requires a monthly supplement of live caught #FF0000.