Just as I imagined when I revived the blog, I haven’t been posting. I have put a considerable amount of thought as to why I have lacked the passion, motivation, and general driving force that has prevented me from writing. It’s not like there hasn’t been a mountain of topics which have raised my hackles in the 7+ months since I last posted. It just feels like a thin blanket of apathy and malaise has settled over me which causes little microbursts of frustration and anger, but dissipates too quickly for me to formulate a cohesive enough thought or opinion that merits posting here.
But I feel that things are changing. That low roil in the back of my mind is starting to get more turbulent and more disruptive. It’s kind of hard to put into words without it sounding trite, but it leaves me with a decision to make. I could push this back down into my psyche and continue to quietly go through life being a productive member of society. That would be the least disruptive and probably the easiest way to go. Stay the course, don’t deviate, and just keep being what is wanted, needed, and expected of me.
The alternative here is to peek under the sheets and see what it is that is starting to bubble to the surface. Then, to choose whether to foster it to see what it becomes. I don’t think that I have fully realized what it is that I am feeling, but the whole thing is reminiscent of what drove me to create the first iteration of this blog, some 4+ years ago. A way to vocalize malcontent in a controlled medium, where each word can be calculated and the chance of tripping over excessive emotion is minimized. I too frequently choose my words improperly when I allow emotion to dictate the tone and intensity without it passing through my brain first. The written word is infinitely more forgiving in that sense, which is probably why it’s preferable to me.
The last time I wrote regularly, it was liberating. It made me feel more alive to get thoughts into words and have them made public while maintaining a modicum of anonymity. It was a fine way to force myself to delve into topics before spouting off opinions about them, or at least encouraged me to examine my own thoughts and opinions on topics a little before inking my name to them. Granted, it didn’t happen every time and it bit me a few times when I was challenged on my opinion and I didn’t sufficiently back it up with facts or conviction. Terribly embarrassing.. I will aim to avoid that happening again.
This will have to be mulled over for a while, and maybe do a test run of posting something about the next thing that provides me with adequate anger, disappointment, or humour, and ride it out to see where it goes.