If I were PM of Canada…

Posted: April 1, 2014 in Uncategorized

I will get this out of the way early.  Harper can go fuck his hat.  Fuck his sweater vest, his unmoving hair, his pedo-grade smile, and the fact that he looks like Odo from Deep Space 9.  Seriously, do an image comparison online.  He reminds me of a school principal or an uncle where parents don’t leave their kids alone with them for more than a minute.  I wouldn’t shake his hand unless it was delivered to me in a box.  Even then, I would have to Purel it and it would be creepy and probably just as clammy as it would be if it was still attached to that soulless chasm of a human being. What a fantastic leader we have.  Shouldn’t a strong handshake be mandatory for the leader of tens of millions of people?

But.. this isn’t about the toad leading Canada.  Not this time.  This is about what I would do if I had full control over this country I used to be proud to reside in.  I know that I have published this before on my last blog.  This isn’t going to be as deep, and it’s really just to break the ice and make a first post as well as figure out themes and other pointless shit.  And yes, I am publishing and not just blogging.  Why?  Because the button says “Publish,” that’s why.

1.  Absolutely no politically centric advertising outside of a 3 month period leading up to an election.  I am sick and fucking tired of seeing year-round attack ads and smear campaigns.  All parties are guilty of this to varying degrees, but I have never seen it to the extent that we’re seeing it now.  It’s childish, it screams of paranoia, and it is bound to indoctrinate the weaker minds in this country.

My solution:  A political party is permitted to campaign and enter the media within 100 days of an election.  Access to the media is only extended to the boundaries of the elections taking place.  IE:  An provincial election in Ontario will not cause campaign ads to be shown in other jurisdictions.  This year round shit has got to stop.

Speaking of campaign ads.. no more smear ads.  How about a little fucking content?  How about a “here’s what we’re doing” instead of pointing the finger at others?  Also, every politically funded advertisement must be approved by a politically neutral company who has strict guidelines on what is and isn’t allowed to be published in media.  These guidelines would include, but wouldn’t be limited to:

a.  Factual – The ads must be factual in nature, and worded appropriately to prevent a misleading message from being derived.  And no.. an off-the-cuff comment from a decade ago isn’t “factual.”  Bring your references.

b.  Positive – Tell me what your party is doing and quit tattling on what the other parties are doing.  Don’t tell me what everyone else is doing wrong if you can’t tell me what you’re NOT doing wrong.

c.  A whole bunch of other shit that I haven’t thought of yet, including stuff that I am sure the parties will all try to do to bypass the rules.

Don’t get me wrong.  I would love to fund a “Vic Toewes had an affair on his wife with his babysitter” campaign, or a “Harper eats babies, preferring to carve the meat off while they are still alive and screaming” media blitz, but the truth is that half-truths, outright lies, and deception and wordsmithing done to sling mud at the opposition doesn’t further anyone’s cause.  You’re not elevating yourself, you’re pushing others below you.  Isn’t that what we used to say that bullies did when we were kids?  They didn’t try to excel.. they only propped themselves up by keeping everyone else down.

2.  Regulate, then plan the obsolescence of the payday loan/cash money industry.  I’ve went on about this before.  It’s parasitic, it preys on the weakest and most vulnerable in society, and their success hinges on the perpetuity of a terrible cycle that causes people to get stuck paying 500+% interest on shifty payday loans.

My half-baked idea is as follows:

My solution: Merge all of them together, and have the government take control of the industry. Lower rates to something below “legalized loan sharking” to give people a fighting chance to break the cycle of using the service, and if someone defaults, they are sent to a government labour initiative where part of their wages are garnished and they work there until their debt is fulfilled. I am referring to menial tasks, like litter cleanup, graffiti removal, and other supervised tasks which do not require a unique skill set aside from effort. Exceptions can be made for exceptional individuals (aka the idiot savant) if they have a skill set that is needed somewhere.

The person’s employer will be legally obligated to treat this time off the same way as a maternity leave or other leave of absence, so they will not risk losing their real job while they are off repaying their debt to the government. Employers will be permitted to employ temporary staff to fill the vacant position. Once the debt has been satisfied, they are permitted to go back to their regular job, and hopefully are never seen again.

In an ideal world, the parasitic payday loan industry would be a self correcting problem over the course of a couple generations. Realistically, it would at least provide a steady stream of unskilled labour to do jobs no one else wants to do. Those who want out of the cycle will crawl out, the rest will continue to be society’s urchins.

As for whether this would be a federal, provincial, or municipal-run effort, I haven’t decided. I am thinking municipal, primarily due to the micromanaged logistics and oversight that will be needed.

Or.. as a friend suggested, help to fund an initiative where a more ethically correct alternative is made available to those in need.

3.  Remove the Internet from the CRTC’s realm of influence.  They’re in over their head, and they don’t know what they are doing.  Take it away from them before they break it.  The Internet is too complex for a bunch of telecom bluehairs to really understand, much less regulate something that shouldn’t be regulated.

4.   Twitter (or Facebook) is never to be used to make any first-to-the-media official announcements.  Seriously.. if news sources are saying “The government’s Twitter account…” as a citation for absolutely anything, there should be a flogging.  Publicly.  With chains that have pineapples and avocados on the ends.  If I, the head of the party that leads the Canadian government (not the <lastname> government.  The fucking Canadian government) has news, I will ensure that it’s released to proper channels and not confined to one hundred and forty fucking characters to be spun endlessly by the partisan jackoffs at the politically purchased news networks.

This goes for politicians as well.  Post all you want to your social media channels.  Keep official government business outside of social media confines where brevity is mandatory.  Government is complicated.  Imagine the government tweet where marijuana legalizaton is announced.  “MJ legal now, boyz! if u got da bluntz, smok’em! fuk da police”

5.  True equality, legalized marijuana, and other shit that civilized nations should already have.  Full, 100% equality in society with respect to all manner of partnerships provided that there are two consenting adults of sound mind.  Doesn’t matter if you’re straight, gay, andro, trans, or whatever alt non-gender-specific term you use to feel unique and medically accurate.  You love another adult human?  You’re covered. “Other shit” also includes being pro-choice and pro-assisted suicide in approved (but a broad range of) cases.

Same with pot.  Treat it like alcohol.  High in public?  Ticketed.  Driving while stoned?  That’s a paddlin’.   Spark a J in public?  Don’t do it.  Use it like millions of adults already do in our society yet manage to not cause it to collapse in on itself?  There you go.  The street market will continue for those who prefer it, but the path of least resistance now becomes taxable.

6.  Politician’s expenses become public domain.  You’re being paid by the taxes of the people, of the people you’re representing.  I will give you full privacy of how you spend your actual wages and what you do in your home, but if you expense anything, your constituents have a right to know what you’re comping back to them.  This ought to reduce spending a bit when your representatives know that every travel and food dollar can be checked by your riding.  I am sure that you can handle first class airfare instead of your party’s own jet.

7.  Charity begins at home.  Let’s just work to fix what’s wrong internally before we join the US in playing World Police and just agreeing with everything they’re doing worldwide.  I will consider permitting us to influence other nations once we are living in a country where everyone is safe, secure, where poverty, discrimination, and unrest is as eradicated as absolutely possible, all while not running the country into the ground with debt.

8.  Whistleblower protection.  If my national government is fucking the dog in any way, I want to know, I want my citizenry to know, and I want them to see that I don’t tolerate it.  Heads will figuratively roll, and corruption/abuse will not be permitted.  Transparency is paramount.

9.  Public denunciation of widespread surveillance of our own population.   My citizens shouldn’t have to be concerned about whether the government is monitoring them.  Not only would the surveillance systems in place be either rejigged or outright dismantled, I would allocate money towards making it more inconvenient for other governments (allied or otherwise) to track my constituents. Exceptions will be made if you’re a felon or an honest-to-god threat, in which case, it’s your fault that you’re a fuck-up, and you’re lucky we just don’t drop-ship you to Nunavut.


There you go. My political platform in a very small nutshell.  There’s more, but it’s late, and this is about all I wanted to cover, as best as I can tell right now.  This ought to suffice as the inaugural post of V2 of my blog.

Stay tuned.  I am going to try to make this a hell of a trip.

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